College of Canine Arts & Sciences
Fetch, Squirrel Studies, and the Rhetoric of the Doorbell. Our largest and loudest school.
Canine courses
Upstate South Carolina · Est. 1826 (in dog years: a lot)
Where every student is a very good boy. Or girl. Or bird.
Furrman University is the nation's foremost (and only) institution of higher learning dedicated entirely to pets. Nestled at the foot of Paris Mountain, we offer 90+ courses across eight schools, a lake you are absolutely allowed to swim in, and a squirrel population that has never once been caught.
Wait, is this real? No. Furrman University is a parody website and has no affiliation whatsoever with Furman University, its partners, or any actual school. There are no classes, no campus, and no admissions office, sunny or otherwise. It is purely humorous nonsense made by people who love their pets and Upstate South Carolina. Read the full disclaimer.
100%
of graduates are good boys and girls (verified annually)
0
squirrels caught since 1826
4:1
squirrel-to-student ratio
12
treats: total annual tuition
22 hrs
average daily study (napping) time
Academics
Eight schools. One shared water bowl.
Whether you're a retriever who dreams of finally bringing it back or a cat who intends to attend nothing, Furrman has a program for you. Probably. We'll check.
School of Feline Studies
Ignoring You, Gravity Studies, and the Cat as Liquid. Attendance is not taken because no one would come.
Feline coursesDepartment of Avian Communications
HELLO. Hello. HELLO. (Chaired by Gerald, a parakeet, who approved this description.)
Avian coursesInstitute of Small Mammal Engineering
Cheek Pouch Logistics, Cage Engineering, and Cable Chewing. Faculty currently inside the wall.
Small mammal courses
Featured Courses
This semester's most-waitlisted classes
FETCH 350 · 3 credits
Advanced Fetch: The Ball Was Never Thrown
A seminar on the fake-out. Explores betrayal, hope, and the empty hand. Includes a unit on staring at the arm for four full seconds.
PSYC 320 · 3 credits
Cognitive Dissonance: You Said 'Walk' and Then Didn't
A psychological examination of the false promise. Students process betrayal through journaling (chewing) and group work (sighing loudly).
KNOK 200 · 4 credits
Gravity Studies: Knocking Things Off Tables (with Lab)
Does gravity still work? Students check. Every day. With everything. Course has produced the university's only reproducible research results.
AVIA 305 · 3 credits
Screaming at 6 AM: An Honors Seminar
Selective admission. Students develop a sustained morning vocal program. Course evaluations from neighboring dorms have been filed and ignored.
HAMS 330 · 3 credits
Escape Artistry: Cage Engineering
Structural analysis of the enclosure and its weaknesses. Course is taught from inside the wall by a professor who has not been seen since 2019.
FISH 101 · 3 credits
Memory Studies
An introduction to memory. May be repeated for credit. Many students have taken it forty times and describe it as new and exciting every time.
Campus & Location
Blue Ridge views. Lake access. So many smells.
Our (entirely fictional) campus sits in the rolling foothills of Upstate South Carolina, minutes from downtown Greenville and the Swamp Rabbit Trail, which we did not name but are extremely excited about. The Howl Tower rises over Lake Sniffalot, Paris Mountain looms in the background, and on a clear day you can see the Blue Ridge Escarpment, which the Canine faculty have been barking at since 1826.
- Off-leash quad (leash-optional, supervision mandatory)
- Sun-spot-optimized residence halls
- Daily 2:00 PM mail carrier drill
- Weekly field trips to the waterfalls downtown
Testimonials
What our students and alumni are saying
I came to Furrman not knowing how to bring the ball back. I still don't. But now I understand why, and honestly that's worse.
🐕
BiscuitSenior, Fetch & Retrieval Sciences
★★★★★
The Escape Artistry program is unparalleled. I'm writing this from inside the wall. Please tell my human I'm fine and that I have the charger.
🐹
Nugget Jr.Junior, Cage Engineering (location unknown)
★★★★★
I attended zero classes and graduated with honors. This is the only institution that has ever truly understood me. I will not be donating.
🐈
Princess Fluffington IIIM.F.A. '18, Feline Apathy
Admissions
Applications are open. They are always open. We have no idea how to close them.
Furrman practices Nap-Blind Admissions: we will never hold your sleep schedule against you. Fill out our 60-second application and receive an instant decision. (Spoiler: you're in.)
Apply now