About Furrman

Two hundred years of sitting, staying, and learning.

Furrman University is a fictional, parody institution dedicated to the higher education of pets. It is not affiliated with Furman University or any real school. Everything on this page was made up, mostly by a golden retriever.

Our Mission

Sedere. Manere. Scire.

Sit. Stay. Know. Since 1826 (approximately 1,400 years ago in dog years, though the cats dispute the math), Furrman has pursued a single mission: to give every pet the liberal-arts education it deserves, and then a treat.

We believe a well-rounded animal should be able to fetch a ball, ignore a command, knock a glass off a table, and discuss the philosophical implications of all three. We believe in small class sizes (because the room only fits so many dogs). We believe every student is a good boy or girl, and we have the data to prove it: the data is that we say so.

Founded: 1826, when a golden retriever named Furrman wandered onto the property and refused to leave
Type: Private, fictional, interspecies liberal arts university
Location: Foothills of Upstate South Carolina, near Paris Mountain (allegedly)
Enrollment: Roughly 2,900 students, depending on whether the goldfish count twice
Mascot: The Pawladin, a knight in tinfoil armor with a tennis ball for a lance
Colors: Royal Purrple and Retriever Gold
Accreditation: Southern Association of Good Boys and Girls (an organization we invented for this sentence)

Illustration of Kennel Hall, a brick collegiate building with white columns and a dog in the window. — Kennel Hall, home of Admissions, the Registrar (a hamster), and the sunniest lobby on campus. (Illustration.)

History

A brief, unreliable timeline

1826 A golden retriever named Furrman digs a hole on a hillside in Upstate South Carolina and lies in it. Founding is declared retroactively. The hole is now the site of the Woofington School of Business.
1851 The first feline student is admitted. She ignores the curriculum entirely and is awarded an honorary doctorate to make her stop knocking things off the provost's desk.
1889 The Squirrel Studies department is founded after a faculty dog spends eleven hours under a single oak tree. No squirrel has been caught before or since. This remains the university's longest-running research program.
1924 The Howl Tower is completed on Lake Sniffalot. It is rung at dinner time. Within a week the student body has learned to ring it themselves, at all times, for no reason.
1958 The entire campus relocates three miles north after an unresolvable territorial dispute with a neighborhood cat named Mr. Whiskers. Mr. Whiskers keeps the old campus.
1971 Furrman becomes the first university to offer a full degree in Napping. Commencement is postponed twice because the graduating class is asleep.
1995 Gerald, a parakeet, is named valedictorian. His commencement address consists of the word "HELLO" repeated 214 times. It receives a standing ovation and is still considered the finest speech in school history.
2008 The Roomba arrives on campus. A religion forms around it within the week. Comparative Religion adds RELG 200.
2020 Remote learning is attempted. The entire student body sits on the keyboard simultaneously. Classes resume in person.
Today Furrman enrolls dogs, cats, birds, hamsters, guinea pigs, rabbits, fish, turtles, lizards, and one snake whose whereabouts are currently unknown (see SNEK 210).

Leadership

Meet the administration

None of these animals exist. Several of them would prefer it that way.

🐕‍🦺

Dr. Barnaby Woofington III

President. A Bernese mountain dog with an honorary doctorate in Sitting. Known for his open-door policy, which is mostly because he cannot operate doors. Has never finished a State of the University address without seeing a squirrel.

🐈‍⬛

Duchess Von Fluff

Provost. Has attended zero meetings in nine years and is widely considered the most effective administrator in Furrman's history. Communicates exclusively by sitting on documents she disapproves of.

🦜

Gerald

Dean of Students, Chair of Avian Communications. Parakeet. Valedictorian, class of 1995. Famous for the HELLO speech. His office hours are 6:00 AM, daily, whether you like it or not.

🐹

Nugget

University Registrar. A hamster. Last seen entering the wall behind Kennel Hall in 2019. Transcripts continue to be issued, so we assume he's fine. Do not knock on the wall; it upsets him.

🐢

Chancellor Emeritus Sheldon

Chair, Board of Trustees. A box turtle who has served on the board since 1911 and expects to outlive it. Currently reviewing the 1958 relocation and plans to issue a finding in the 2080s.

🐿️

Vacant

Campus Squirrel Liaison. This position has been open since 1889. Every candidate hired has resigned within four minutes to chase the constituency. Applications remain open.

Fast Facts

By the numbers (the numbers are made up)

Category	Figure	Note
Student-to-faculty ratio	11:1	Faculty are also students. It's a whole thing.
Squirrel-to-student ratio	4:1	The squirrels are winning.
Graduation rate	100%	Every student is a good boy or girl. We do not have a mechanism for failing anyone.
Average class size	14	Or one cat, who counts as fourteen.
Library holdings	40,000 volumes	Roughly 38,000 are lightly chewed.
Campus size	750 acres	All of it has been peed on.
Endowment	Undisclosed	Buried somewhere in the yard. We're looking.
Annual tuition	12 treats	Financial aid available. See Admissions.